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Humor! (Check in here regularly for stories and anecdotes!) (Click here for a funny mammogram story!)

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Although I am not political, those of you who may be politically oriented may find this amusing!
The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals:

The allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter.”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

Maxine on Cash for Clunkers!

CASH FOR CLUNKERS.... .....I QUALIFY

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull.

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS.... .....I QUALIFY !

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Have you received this in email yet? These are very cute!

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening

when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark

naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the

back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me

he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in

the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom

and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming

little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, case it fell in the toilet a

few days ago."

3) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a

note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are

not necessarily those of his parents."

4) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During

her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the

phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting

the bottle."

5) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the

women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with

ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement

and the n asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy

before?"

6) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary

school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at

my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued

writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.

Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she

extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

7) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front

of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,

and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?"

he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then

towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"

8) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly

shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She

was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly

the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of

false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of

questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never

believe this!"

9) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When

she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that

suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache

the next morning."

10) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our

minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that

proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton

batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The

minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity

intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto

the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

11) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm

just wasting my time," she said to her mother . "I can't read, I can't write and

they won't let me talk!"

12) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he

fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He

picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had

been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called

out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice,

he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

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>Sick Leave...Try this next time you need off work!
>
>I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow
>me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would
>tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and
>made funny noises.
>
>My coworker, a guy, asked me what I was doing? I told him that I was
>pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY"
>and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the
>office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He
>said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of
>days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my coworker followed me, the Boss said to him, " And where do you think you're
>going?"
>>
He said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

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My wife enrolled me in several of these classes!

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Next Week

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR

CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

CLASS 1

How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

CLASS 2

The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

CLASS 3

Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and

Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

CLASS 4

Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor

---

Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

CLASS 5

After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

at 7:00 PM

CLASS 6

Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

CLASS 7

Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places

And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum.

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

CLASS 8

Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.

Graphics and Audio Tapes.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

CLASS 9

Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

CLASS 10

Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

CLASS 11

Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.

Online class and role-playing.

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

CLASS 12

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion

Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

CLASS 13

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates

and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

CLASS 14

The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.

Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,

diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

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Church Bulletin Bloopers! These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church' s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots,
so they put up a sign:

"CHURCH CAR PARK - FOR MEMBERS ONLY"
"Trespassers will be baptized!"

More church sign boards:

"No God - No Peace"
"Know God - Know Peace"

"Free Trip to Heaven"
"Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays."
"They're better than Dairy Queen's."

"Searching for a new look?"
"Have your faith lifted here!"

"People are like tea bags."
"You have to put them in hot water
before you know how strong they are."

"Fight Truth Decay"
"Study the Bible Daily"

"How will you spend eternity?"
"Smoking or Nonsmoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction,
God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born,
try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live,"
"they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch _ _ ch."
"What is missing? - (U R)"

"In the dark?"
"Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith?"
"Step in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep."
"Talk to the Shepherd."

"Come work for the Lord."
"The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low,
but the retirement benefits are out of this world"

An ad for one church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on
which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads:

"For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When a restaurant next to a church put out a big sign with red letters that said,
"Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message:

"We are open on Sundays, too."

AND THE WINNER !

Posted on the pastor’s parking spot:

"PASTOR'S SPOT"
"YOU PARK, YOU PREACH

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Did you miss some humor? Check out our archived humor: Archived Humor.

Send mail to: sdiering@gmail.com with questions or comments about this web site. Last modified: 02/23/10

Send mail to: sdiering@gmail.com with questions or comments about this web site.
Last modified: 02/23/10